You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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