my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
