It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
