I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize