So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
