You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
