i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize