When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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