On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
