Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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