I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
