I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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