Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
