I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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