could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
