White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
