I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
