I met the friendliest cop last night
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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