not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
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