Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
