she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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