Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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