I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
