Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
