I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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