I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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