after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
