I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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