i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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