you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
