how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Someone signed my nipple.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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