Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
