i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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