everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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