I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
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