Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
