she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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