yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
