when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
