I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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