why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
