Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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