Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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