I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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