fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
