It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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