Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
