I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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