My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
