There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
