either way he was missing a nipple.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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