Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
