Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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