you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
