I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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