I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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