Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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