the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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