The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we're making bets on your personal life
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
