atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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