Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
When are your genitals available?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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