The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
