so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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