she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
