sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
