Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
