if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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